George Files

How to annoy an examiner

It’s not every day that one’s impulses to engage in puerile behaviour are given a lovely catalyst in the form of an English examination paper, so when one has the chance one seizes ( imagine: a spell checker would have allowed ‘ceases’ there ) the chance with both hands. This is precisely what I did last week.

I hadn’t slept the whole of last night ( literally, I did not sleep at all ) and the whole world looked slightly greyer than usual. This didn’t particularly put me in a good mood. In any case, when the paper came, I was given a couple of opportunities to take a jab at the person who set the paper. I don’t remember them all, but here are a couple I did remember.

Truly, Successfully:

One of the essays that we were prescribed to read was ‘Lectures’ by J.B. Priestly, an okay chap, and I apologise profusely for having called him all sorts of things he didn’t deserve. The question was supposed to be (I guess) : “How can a lecturer turn truly successful, according to J.B. Priestly?” . Instead, the question paper said, “How can a lecturer turn truly successfully according to J.B. Priestly?” . Naturally, my answer went something like this:

A lecturer can turn “truly, successfully” by rotating his/her torso through the required angle and moving his/her feet to follow. However, Priestly, being a capitalist elitist, could probably never be a “truly successful” teacher.

I’m sure there was some fun to be had by referring to the lecturer as only ‘her’ instead of his/her, but I was hardly thinking. Apart from the obvious non-sequitur in the last line, Priestly was actually taken off the air for being too socialist back during the Second World War.

Maintain your cows!

As part of the process that produces clerks that we call education we are supposed to learn how to write letters. After all, what use are clerks who don’t know how to write letters. I had the choice of writing to an old friend (cliché!) or of writing “a letter to your Corporation complaining about the bad maintenance of cows in your street.” . Not much of a choice, is it? A little excerpt:

Due to bad maintenance and irregular servicing, four cows broke down in the past three days. Please restore them to working order.

Ah, there you go, I can always claim that I meant that they had psychological problems and so I couldn’t milk them.

London is in Africa

You’ve probably read “Telephone Conversation” by Wole Soyinka. (cliché alert) If you haven’t, do so now. It’s nice. So anyway, we have to write an essay on one of the three topics offered. I eventually wrote on Winston Churchill’s Examinations (There were a couple of gems in my essay on this, including a nice Latin ending, but I can’t remember the whole thing perfectly). So anyway, the question was, “Describe how Wole Soyinka’s poem speaks about racial discrimination in Africa.” . My answer for 10 marks was a bit theatrical and went like: (not reformatted)

AFRICA?! RED DOUBLE TIERED OMNIBUSES! LONDON! London! Africa doesn’t do red double deckers.

Later realising that I didn’t know whether or not Africa did, in fact, ‘do red double deckers’, I struck it out with one single line across, taking care not to obscure the words.

Other annoying stuff:

The paper had some other annoying stuff, but I don’t recall any of it and my copy of the question paper has torn apart under the influence of a leaking packet of mango juice ( which is very good, and which I have found recently to be overpriced by Re. 1 ) . Oh wait, yes I do. The person who set the paper liked the word ’substantiate’. And very often he asked me to substantiate things which I didn’t want to substantiate and knew only how to refute. ‘Substantiate’, it seems. Sheesh.

Yeah, it certainly isn’t behaviour befitting an adult by normal standards, but think, this is an English Examination. Surely they could find a way to not make ridiculous mistakes. Now to see if I pass :)

NOTE: Anyone who gives a perfectly legitimate reason for some errors in the question paper saying that they may have been typographical or that the question paper may have been typed out by someone who isn’t good at English is required to shut up. You spoil the little joy I get.

NOTE 2: Errors in my post need not mean anything besides proving that I am fallible, a formidable task in itself ( the proof of my fallibility, not the act of being fallible ) . I do not set English Examination question papers.

Posted by roshan.george under Musings |